Riley Paul
13.3.00-25.12.04
A beautiful cherub of a child who dealt with more than his fair share of challenges. We miss him.
It has been four years since Riley passed away in his sleep on Chrismas Day. It has taken me this long to start to clear the fog of grief and loss and start to see that my life can have joyful meaning again.
I have started this blog as a record of how my life now unfolds. I am excited about my life for the first time in a long time.
In 2000, Riley was born, perfect, but with an imperfect brain. A neurological migration disorder had meant that his brain was too small and not formed properly. That was the beginning of my feelings of grief and loss, for us and for him. He had no significant milestones, although he smiled a lot, laughed a bit and gave big wet, sloppy kisses, which kept us going. He was totally dependent on us for everything, which only made us love him more. In retrospect, we wished we cuddled him more and just relished every hug smile, kiss and laugh, instead of consuming ourselves with worry about how we were going to look after him long term. There was no long term......
Which brings me back to the reason for my blog. I intend to live each day I am given now with gusto, joy, enthusiasm and with integrity. I am going to be the best person I can be (with the exeption of my pity party days which I will explain in more detail in future posts). The last eight years have been totally consumed with pain, anxiety, sadness, guilt, depression and anger. I really feel that I can say goodbye now to all of that hideousness and move on with living a peaceful and fun life.
A beautiful cherub of a child who dealt with more than his fair share of challenges. We miss him.
It has been four years since Riley passed away in his sleep on Chrismas Day. It has taken me this long to start to clear the fog of grief and loss and start to see that my life can have joyful meaning again.
I have started this blog as a record of how my life now unfolds. I am excited about my life for the first time in a long time.
In 2000, Riley was born, perfect, but with an imperfect brain. A neurological migration disorder had meant that his brain was too small and not formed properly. That was the beginning of my feelings of grief and loss, for us and for him. He had no significant milestones, although he smiled a lot, laughed a bit and gave big wet, sloppy kisses, which kept us going. He was totally dependent on us for everything, which only made us love him more. In retrospect, we wished we cuddled him more and just relished every hug smile, kiss and laugh, instead of consuming ourselves with worry about how we were going to look after him long term. There was no long term......
Which brings me back to the reason for my blog. I intend to live each day I am given now with gusto, joy, enthusiasm and with integrity. I am going to be the best person I can be (with the exeption of my pity party days which I will explain in more detail in future posts). The last eight years have been totally consumed with pain, anxiety, sadness, guilt, depression and anger. I really feel that I can say goodbye now to all of that hideousness and move on with living a peaceful and fun life.
gorgeous girl - i just typed a really long reply and it got lost. POO.
ReplyDeleteSorry you have loved and lost and still love a littly.
You are in your right to have a blog to offload the feelings that most of us bottle up.
I never shut up on my blog...obviously. I go through freakish patterens of emotional behaviour.
You ought to do the same.
Id love to make this a daily read :)
Provided you get rid of this hideous page background and let me make you a fancy one for free :)
My god you were fast, i just saved that rant and you were on to it! The fancy background sounds like a fine idea,unfortunately I am technologically disabled, just getting the blog up and running has challenged my dormant brain cells!
ReplyDeleteLove Malonie