Meditation.....

Couldn't be more straightforward, could it? ANY WONDER I AM IMBALANCED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1) Still the Body, 2) Still the Mind, 3) Focus the Attention =4) Meditation

I have begun an 8 week meditation course, in order to help me de-stress and be calm. Only problem is I really find it difficult. First you have to find your mind's eye. Then you have to make it twinkle like a star, and imagine that it is your soul. A calm and peaceful soul. Then you have to do something with your mantra all the while making sure that there is not tension anywhere in the body. You need to make sure there is no tension in your leg muscles, your stomach muscles are relaxed, your shoulders are relaxed, your neck and facial muscles are relaxed, and your jaw muscles are relaxed. Next, you close your eyes very gently and very sweetly as if resting for sleep, but you remain fully awake and fully alert behind the eyes. Your eyeballs are fixed straight ahead – horizontally.There should be no squinting or pressure placed on the eyelids. No pressure on the forehead. No pressure! No pressure to be totally and utterly relaxed while you are mantra-ing and chakra-ing and finding the star between your eyebrows????? AAAAAAAHHHHHHH this is so stressful!!!! So much for de-stressed, I feel distressed!

Mind Reading

Many people think that if their loved one truly loved them whey would know how they felt and what they needed.

This is because if they really, really, really loved us they would do anything for us.

I think the if we feel displeasure or distress, the person who professes to love me should realise my unhappiness and FIX IT!!!!!!!!!

Why is that so bloody hard????

Be careful what you wish for.

I have had some time off recently du to flu, which after having two cases of swine flu in my classroom, gave me some anxiety. I am not a piggy, it was just another sort of lurgy with lots of snot and snorting. I relished being sick because it gave me a divine rest from the frantic year two classroom and the needs of all those individuals. I relished every minute of being at home, coughing spluttering, snorting, popping pills and moaning. It is a very sad day when you wish that you could be sick, just a day or so day longer, so you could miss out on a mind-numbing staff meeting or curriculum (yawn) forum. Just when I am about to head back to work, I wake up with a massive pain in the lower back and arse......the doctor says I may have injured my back coughing so much. Or it could have been that fall down a flight of stairs a couple of weeks ago...

The pain is quite excruciating, and I would swap all those 7 year olds for this anyday.

back to blogging

Winter holidays in Australia. Who would have thought it could be so, well, arctic! We spent two weeks driving around New South Wales, The ACT and Southern Queensland. 5 days were spent in Old Adaminaby near the snow fields, and boy was it cold!

We did the galleries, restaurants, caves, wineries, national parks etc. Took lots of photos and just enjoyed being the special three together without work and school and study stress.

postscript

"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy!" -Jerry Seinfeld

griefamundo and girl power

Yesterday I attended the funeral of a friend's husband (well, an ex, but much-loved one). 

I was consumed with her grief, and that of her son and daughter, children who can't possibly comprehend the road ahead without their father.

Russell's big adult wooden coffin sat, ironically, in the exact spot that my little Riley's white child-sized coffin sat four years ago, in the same chapel, the same putrid green walls, the same hideous curtains and pelmets and stupid fake smiling funeral director. It was a confronting day for me, but for Tracey and her kids it was excruciating. 

I taught her beautiful daughter in year one, 2004, a horrible year for me personally, that manifested itself with the hideous grief of losing my own child. Tracey was one of the many special people who showed themselves to be thoughtful, kind in the extreme, funny, black(humoured, not coloured), irreverent and just there for me whenever I needed her along with her large posse of girls. It began with a huge basket of goodies, dropped at my door, lovingly chosen and delivered with the love and compassion that I had never seen before from this group of girls, but have never stopped observing and experiencing since.

Dear Trace,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that your loss feels so great,  gross, and grabs you greedily with a vice-like grip.

I'm sorry that you feel grey, grey, the greyest grey, black charcoal clouds hang over your every breathing moment.

I'm sorry you have to be brave, gravely faced with the grotesque griffin of grief that wants to disable you and take away your spirit. 

I'm sorry that this feeling grips you sometimes for days, weeks and leaves periodically only to return so quickly with more ferocity.

I'm sorry you feel groggy, paralysed and grounded with grief in your guts, your heart and your head.

I am sorry that you have go to bed, not to sleep, but to face the loss over and over again, a horrible recurring wakeful nightmare.

I'm sorry that your children are feeling all of these emotions along with you. You want to protect them from that. I'm sorry that you can't.

I'm sorry that there is no way out of the darkness, other than to go through it, experience all of its hideous tentacles, like a surreal dark deep sea monster that engulfs you and won't let go, suffocating you in its grip.

Feel blessed, girl, that along this dark, black, grey and sometimes lonely road, there will be people who will amaze you with their support and dignified graceful way of just being there, physically and spiritually. These people will carry you through.....they will not care if you are down, depressed, irritable, irrational, obnoxious, angry, in denial, or downright self-centred. They will love you through it all. They are the voice of reason and reality. They are the word of truth in a chaotic world. If you can find a connection to these people, a small thread at first, and then a web of support that will develop exponentially, one day you will realise that the unmanageable heavy load you feel is unfairly placed upon you will dissipate until......slowly, perhaps years later, you are able to experience the feeling that the grief and deep sorrow has turned into something a little more like normal (well, a little more than normal, but still manageable) sadness. One day, I assure you, you will look in the mirror, and not see that face that haunts you today, the weight of sadness reflected in your every cell.

I speak for all the girls, when I say that we are there for you, whenever you need us. Whenever Shelby and Connor need us, just whenever. We consider it a privilege to be able to share your load, which we know is more than any one person can bear on their own.

 

Wonders will never cease

OK. I have joined the workout world. Yes it is true, to all those of you who know me well and are right at this moment judging me harshly. This year seems to be one of growth and change for me in many ways. I decided that I need to do another something for myself, even if I really hate it, I know I have to do it. (I HATE BEING EVOLVED AND GROWN UP) So I joined Curves. Colleagues of mine poo pooed me saying it was for OLD women. HEELLOOOO!!!!!!! I am 42, and love being around mature and interesting people (espesh when they are wrinklier and fatter and droopier and cellulitier than me).

Anyway, I am popping in after school, pumping away and quite loving it. I feel better (if achy and sore is better) and have more energy and a bit more focus than usual. I am not quite pole bunny yet, but am quite proud of myself for trying.
To all my dear friends and blogaliscious buddies, happy easter and may the rest of your year reflect renewal and abundance.

'I slept and dreamed that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.'